The Swiss. They’re an odd bunch. So it comes as no surprise that they were the ones who came up with the idea of animal laywers.

No, this is not the idea of animals being lawyers, more the idea of animals getting legal representation in matters which might affect them, like cruelty cases. Proponents claimed that it would help in prosecuting cases which would have otherwise never made it to court and gone unpunished. The vote on the issue was this weekend and got turned down, with a 70% majority.

SURPRISE SURPRISE.

Seriously, what would be the point? Something tells me that all this would be is a way for some failed law student to finally make some money back towards his mountainous college fees.

Bees are important – without their pollinating efforts, we would have even greater problems in growing enough food to feed everyone. Bee numbers are unfortunately declining, for various reasons. This means some bad juju for everyone on the planet, really.

But wait – help is at hand. A drive to educate people on how important the bee really is to our way of life is taking place as we speak, but not where you would expect. No, this drive is taking place in Manchester of all places!

The funny thing is that as part of this drive, people are being trained up as bona fide beekeepers, complete with “my first beehive” style kit to get people going with their own yellow-and-black harbingers of death.

All this just makes me envisage some Moss Side gangster chav tending to a hive of bees in his spare time, keeping it quiet in case someone finds out and steals all his honey to pay for their heroin habit. Either that or they’d just use it like some kind of attack animal.

Cheryl Cole has finally realised that her soon-to-be ex-husband is a twat, being quoted as saying “I can’t believe I’ve been with him for 4 years – he can barely tie his own shoelaces”. Well, she might have said that if she were able to string more than 5 coherent words together.

Why the rest of the world should care about this story is a mystery, however. Somewhere along the way, the girl who once appeared in court for a racially aggravated assault and sounds like a tone-deaf squirrel being put through a clothes wringer has become the new “Angel of the North” and Britain’s Darling.

All we know is that finally, that mong Ashley Cole finally got what was coming to him.

Ah, China. How I love it so. A land of crazy people, crazy laws and crazy places – new amongst them is “World Chocolate Wonderland”, a theme park devoted to that foodstuff which can send most women (and a fair number of men) loopy.

So what’s so great about this theme park then? Well, it has a chocolate car. Not impressed? Well, how about a chocolate terracotta army? Not sure how it can be both terracotta AND chocolate at the same time, but that isn’t the point, is it?

Still not convinced? Well, the Chinese knew you wouldn’t, you cheeky capitalist Westerner you! That’s why they came up with the idea of a chocolate Great Wall of China. Yes, the longest wall on the planet right now has been miniaturised and moulded entirely from choccy.

If only Cadburys had made siege defences from chocolate. Maybe then they wouldn’t have been taken over by a company who think that cheese and polyfiller are the same thing, except for the label…

Russians are crazy. This is a well documented fact if you’ve ever seen a video of their football hooligans facing off. Less of a ‘fight’ and more of a ‘world war’ would be the way it was described. However, that pales into insignificance when you hear how their farmers take spud thieves.

You see, there is a farmer in the easternmost region of Russia called Primorye, between Japan and China. This farmer had a problem with thieves taking his hard-grown potatoes. So what would you do? Put up barbed wire fences? Security lights, guard dogs, shotgun blast warning shots? Well, none of those were extreme enough for this guy. He is like the Darth Vader of the cultivation world: only total destruction will suffice.

No, this guy made his own landmines instead. Yes, landmines. The things banned under some treaty or other. Princess Diana would have had a fit. Anyway, he planted the things in his fields (short cut to mashed potatoes I guess) and waited to see if anyone would try it. They did.

In the end the person who tried to rob some root veggies ended up suffering some non-specific injuries and the farmer got done by the law for his actions. Thing is, this guy is 73 years old and ended up getting a 2.5 year suspended sentence. So not even jail time – maybe they thought he would be a danger in a prison or something!

Anyway, next time you’re in the far east of Russia and feel like a cheeky spud, leave it…

When you were 5, what did you know? Probably not all that much. What did you want to be? Something like ‘dinosaur’, ‘astronaut’ or ’super awesome ninja man’ used to be the usual answer. Nowadays, kids aged 5 and up should be expected to be planning for their futures, have a grasp of current affairs which would shame a Fox News journo and soon will be expected to be able to protect themselves on the internet and know what a paedophile is and why they should be scared.

Well, that is according to the illustrious UK government. After measures making primary school kids plan for their future at high school, college and university, they think that these wee darlings should be taught about scary men trying to do nasty things to them and how to recognise them on the internet.

Such golden tips such as “only webcam with people you know” along with a cheery, non-sinister superhero chappy are designed to ensure these kids avoid finding out the hard way how evil some people can be.

But then again I have a better idea. How about parents actually take responsibility for their kids? Letting a 5 year old on the internet without someone sat right next to them is completely idiotic in the first place. Seems the meaning of the word ‘parent’ was lost long ago. Probably around the time people became morons.

I love this video, I really do. In case you missed it on the news, it is a video of a highway in Turkey with a pretty amazing crash and escape all rolled into one!

At first glance, you obviously notice that truck seems to have its dumper raised up at almost 90 degrees – an unusual position for something hurtling down the highway. Then you notice the inevitable crash into the bridge, the absolute decimation it causes and so on.

But look more closely and you’ll see that there was a man on that bridge, who for whatever reason did not decide to run like hell the minute he saw the truck coming. No, this man decided to stand his ground as if he was some kind of titanium-bodied Terminator and let the truck decimate the bridge around him. Amazing thing? That guy survived with minor injuries.

Now, imagine yourself in his position. Need a fresh pair of trousers?

The end of the year is approaching, and we all know what that means. Eating all the chocolates out of the advent calendars before December 1st is even out of the way. Oh, and elaborate New Year’s shows featuring fireworks, performers and… bike stunts?!

Well, yes. This video is from New Year’s Eve 2008 in Paris, where a biker by the name of Robbie Maddison managed to jump his bike onto the top of the Arc de Triomphe, where he pootled around for a bit (showing off, naturally) before then coming down the other side to rejoin everyone at ground level. Pretty impressive stunt, all things considered.

In the UK, using a mobile phone while driving has been illegal for a few years now. Mostly to do with all those idiots driving along with the thing glued to their ears with one hand on the wheel, while they swerve from lane to lane on the motorway like a slalom skier. Since then, we’ve had hands-free kits of every description come out and be forced upon people who may well need to use their phone whilst moving.

But what do you do if someone sends you a text and you need to read it? Putting the phone in your lap to try and read it will probably be a bit more dangerous and you don’t want this happening:

Well, now some bloke in the USA has come up with a piece of software for smartphones which automatically reads out text messages and e-mails you receive. Called DriveSafely, it will probably distract you just as much (come on, those robotic voices are creepy). Either way, you wont be arrested and you will find out that your girlfriend desperately needs a bar of chocolate and that you definitely should get it for her, even when you’re going 70mph down the motorway.

So, get your Free Text software and you too can listen to pointless messages while you’re busy. Ah, modern life, isn’t it brilliant?

A 76 year-old man in Bristol, the place in Britain where we send those people who we like to call ’slow’, had a bit of a surprise as he sat in his garden enjoying a balmy English summer day.

You see, he lives under the flight path of a major international airport, Bristol International Airport to be precise. His pleasant surprise? To get a lump of ice the size of a grapefruit land on his thigh after a plane flew over his house. Don’t worry, he’s all right – just a wee bit of bruising. Although if it had conked him on the head he wouldn’t be here to complain about it. Still, he’s all right.

This is the funny bit though… Bristol Airport are refusing to admit that it could have been one of their planes which did it. They say they will help with the investigation, but in the same breath claim that due to all sorts of circumstances (air currents, temperature, badger mating season) the ice could indeed have come from anywhere, especially flights bound to or from London’s Heathrow Airport (those bastards, making more money than a bunch of farmers with an air strip).

So next time your kid kicks a football through a neighbour’s window, cite atmospheric conditions and blame it on the French.