Well, the time of rampant commercialisation is approaching fast – no, not Christmas, the other time of rampant commercialisation, Valentine’s Day. A time of year when those in relationships have to buy stuff and the ones who aren’t get to feel sorry for themselves, oh joy to the world. One thing that is often overlooked though is how Valentine’s is a perfect time to break that difficult news to your girlfriend (or boyfriend) about how you hate their guts and never want to see them again. So, without further ado, here are some Top Tips ™ from And Now For Something on how to turn Valentine’s on its head.

1. Personalised Items (Sweets)
   You may or may not be aware of Love Hearts, those pieces of pretty much pure sugar with little messages on them, such gems as ‘Be mine’ are commonplace. Well, create your own! Put on a message of your own choosing, maybe something along the lines of “I hate you”. That should do the trick.
2. Organise a plane with a banner
   Everyone has heard of those guys who go and get a banner made up saying “marry me” and then have it towed around by a plane for half an hour while they wait for the other person to come to a decision. Well, make it easier on yourself by issuing an ultimatum. This is a more costly approach though…
3. Change your Facebook status
   Simply change your relationship status to ’single’. This works on other social networking sites too, I guess. Nothing quite like your ex-loved one receiving the news that they are in fact an ‘ex’ now through a notification from Facebook. Beware, this one could be dangerous – a man in the UK ended up killing his ex partner when she finally got round to changing her status on Facebook…
4. SMS text
   Somewhat of an oldie, but still just as cruel and heartless as the rest here. If you really want to make it more evil, send it out to everyone in your address book, utterly humiliating your ex in public.
5. Hidden message inside an easter egg
   This one could take some doing, but if you can, put a message inside an easter egg. Something along the lines of “You’re dumped because you eat too much, fatty” could work wonders.

That is it, but don’t think about trying these until you have adequate protection (some form of genitalia protection, a guard dog, maybe even an uzi or two) and don’t think of blaming me when it all goes horribly wrong and everyone thinks you’re a wanker. Ain’t my fault that you are a heartless person.

Related Posts

• Get back in the kitchen!