This is a brilliant job by The Onion, ripping into the Disney tradition of producing model child stars for their own evil ends. I particularly love the bit about the dead eyes, cos these kids really must not be in possession of a soul – they sold theirs to Satan long ago in return for a role in a crappy sing-a-long film and the adoration of a bunch of 11 year old girls.

What really gets me about these kids is that they’re rammed down everyone’s throat until you either sheepishly follow everything they do like a drug addict or want to slaughter them and their families with a rusty hacksaw. Endless films which are as detached from reality as they can possibly be, just reinforcing the stereotype of what it is to be a popular kid at school, without any real prospects or ability beyond dancing around and singing.

So, lets start here: I propose a full process of QPCR testing (that’s DNA testing to everyone else) which will determine if any kid who appears in a film or on TV has the genetic blueprint of Satan running through their veins. If so, they are taken to Siberia and left to do whatever you do in Siberia (probably freeze to death).

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