The world is in turmoil as we speak. Swine flu is sweeping the entire known extent of the universe (rumours are even God himself caught it after a dodgy sausage butty) and the economic crisis means soon, you won’t be able to afford to breathe. Aside from all this, another global conflict is brewing in south east England between two sworn enemies – Devon and Cornwall.

For those of you who don’t know what the hell a Devon is, let alone a Cornwall, just think of them as the slightly mentally retarded cousins who are always there at family occasions, usually bickering in the corner over the last chocolate or something. Cornwall is famous (ish) for putting its name to the rather tasty Cornish Pastie, kind of a pastry snack filled with meat, gravy and assorted bits of vegetable. Quite nice, actually. Nonetheless, this is pretty much how a lot of the rest of the UK sees these two counties.

Now, imagine the brewing tensions at the British Pie Awards between competing meat-filled pastry titans. Especially when the ‘Cornish’ pastie produced by a Devon company (called ‘Chunk of Devon’) wins the top award at afformentioned star-studded event. It has all spilled over now with the losing teams from Cornwall up in arms that a pastie not made in their glorious, inbred locality has the goddamned gall to call itself Cornish. Words and rolling pins are flying back and forth now, the latest news being that the UN has convened a special Security Council session in an effort to resolve the explosive conflict before thousands more innocent civilians are displaced.

I truly hope they resolve this amicably – the fate of the entire world is at stake!

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