Yesterday World Health Organization officials announced that the volcanic ash cloud caused by the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland is likely to annihilate all life on Earth as we know it, with the end coming at any point over the next month or so.

While geologists, volcanologists and atmospheric scientists have been assuring everyone that the Doom Cloud would only affect those with pre-existing health problems living in areas with actual ash fall, the WHO have been consulting the Daily Express for their views on what is perhaps the greatest threat ever posed to mankind.

The Daily Express said it was most likely that the ash cloud would make a bee-line for the UK, “just like every other bloody immigrant”, seeking housing and disability benefits while it sat around choking the life out of the country.

The respected journal of current affairs then went on to say that without the UK, the rest of the world would “go to hell in a handbasket” and that “the only hope is to sacrifice a virgin or two in the vain hope that Thor will look kindly upon us weak, feeble humans.”

In any case, officials are now warning people to prepare for the worst, with B&Q reporting sales of their nuclear bomb proof garden bunkers are up 157%.

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